In the book Intimate Communion by David Deida (ALL of his books are highly recommended!), the author shares interesting research data.
Hundreds of thousands of men and women were surveyed at workshops.
The men and women were put into different rooms.
They were asked to come up with 6 qualities, in order of importance, of what they wanted in a mate. The 6 qualities had to be qualities that they generally could not get from friends, family, work associates or anyone else.
For example…”good conversationalist” is a quality that one might want in a mate, but you can get that quality from lots of people that are in your life. So the participants had to TRY to come up with qualities that they could really ONLY get from their mate (which made it very hard to do!).
And, everyone in the room had to agree with the 6 qualities, they had to be unanimous.
Here are the results:
At over 20% of the workshops the men said this as to the qualities most important to them in a woman (in which was their mate):
1,) great in bed
2.) great in bed
3.) great in bed
4.) great in bed
5.) great in bed
6.) great in bed
LOL!!! Those men were then told AGAIN that the list had to be 6 DIFFERENT qualities! LOL
This says a LOT!
Here are the complete results from the men, listing the top qualities they wanted in a woman:
2.) sexual openness (great in bed)
3.) trust of their (the man’s) direction
4.) support for their (the man’s) vision
6.) healthy radiance
Here are the results from the women, listing the top qualities they wanted in a man:
4.) passion (for both life and sex)
5.) direction (sense of purpose and knowing where he is going)
However, if those qualities are not the natural essence of the person, they fade away, and the real essence and qualities of the person comes through, which is then not a ‘match” ….”He/She changed!” The relationship loses it’s “magic” and ends.
Even if the above qualities ARE the natural essence of the person, due to a multitude of factors, a person might stop expressing them and express opposite qualities, which then “repel” their partner. This makes you feel almost “disgust” for your partner and have NO attraction anymore…..thus the relationship ends.
Note…90% of these people were college educated, so intelligence is the only quality on both lists. Intelligence appears on both lists because of the education level of the group.
When less educated people were surveyed, intelligence did not come up on the men’s list as a top 6 quality they were looking for in a woman, but it still was on the woman’s list as a quality they were looking for in a man but it switched positions of importance with humor.
Notice that the ideal qualities that men want in women and women want in men are completely different (with the exception of intelligence).
The author goes on to say that when 2 people meet and “fall for each other”, the qualities listed are almost always present.